I just got my first notification on Twitter. I wasn't expecting that so I nearly screamed. I was just doing my thing, talking about my problems to be exact...
I really missed the times when I was doing silly,pointless things to have fun...
Now, what? I know shit load of things, but I don't get to do them? This is so painful.
Those are the main reasons that I have depression.And hating people around me for doing those silly,pointless things to have fun. I used to do that, now I can't, maybe I'm jealous, maybe just sad, that I can't be that simple anymore.
My level is harder than a puzzle. You fucking work to get to know me. How fucking wrecked is that?
Why'd u try hard to get  a person?
Not the problem is that, I don't think I worth the effort.
And that can be understandable.But,
People shouldn't underestimate themselves.
Be  cocky, be a dick sometimes.
Don't give anyone power about your weakness.
Don't LET people.
Don't let yourself to make yourself feel bad.
Sometimes, you and your mind are two different things, believe it or not.
It can fool you.
It can make you see things different than they actually are.
It can make you believe in something that won't ever happen. In a negative or a positive way.
Alright.
I always want to help people when actually I am the one that needs help.
But I'm tired.
more than 4 years ago I had to dropout of school.
I don't know why I did that.
If i were me right now at that moment, I definetely woudn't do that.But whatever.
I felt bad, it hurted so much.
Because id never thought about something like that till that moment.
I had good grades.I had friends.I had fun.
But when it was the time for a high school, all those things i had were gone for good.
I cried for nights to make it different.
I was a child.
What was I supposed to do other than prayin'?
I was told to pray whenever I was stuck on a diffucult situation.
When I was powerless to do anything.
So i prayed while i was crying.
Thought some god could help me.
Till that moment nothing worse than that happened to me before.
After that, nothing happened in a good way either.
There are no miracles in my world.
Never been any.
I don't remember.
But, those first times, now I remember them in  a good way.
People get through a lot of shit in their lives.
I was suffering, but that was a real pain.
That was sadness.
Not some fucked up state of mind that caused by depression.
You know what I'm saying?
I was so sad over the fact that I lost ALL of my friends, my school, my happiness.
I used to argue with my mom by the time I wake up.
Then I was going to my bed, crying again.
THOSE WERE REAL.
NOW, NOTHING IS REAL.
Sadness is a need. A tool to balance things between your life and mind. Not everything needs to be happy and glittery and shit.
But depression? Now, you don't need a minute of that shit in any moment of your life.
Depression is worrying without no reason.
Reasonless sadness.
Self hate.
Depression makes you feel like you cant be good enough.Ever.
It can cause anxiety later moments.
Alright, pretty much it, but can't really describe it with words, obviously.
People with empathy can understand a little, i hope.
I used to be so sad at those times like i said, but i was starting to explore stuff.
There is nothing makes me happier than exploring new stuff i'd enjoy.
I need inspiration to make good drawings, My drawings are my products of my imagination.
And my imagination needs things that can excite it a little.
I found about tumblr, and a looot of things within if you know tumblr you'll understand, zero-chan for drawings,ebay,9gag for fun( it used to be fun arigh?),new music like crystal castles, joy division, placebo and the list goes on, gay sex,whatever.
And I'm sure much more than that,that I can't remember right now. I'm not trying to.
Tumblr was such a discover,i really miss those times....
My point is, nothing ever excites me anymore.And I said there is nothing that makes me feel happier than exploring stuff. So that makes me feel so helpless.
It's like i'm done with learning, knowing,discovering,exploring you know?
Now i gotta do something. I gotta move.
Maybe that is the way that I can go back the times I felt nice?
Can I? Still?
Believe me, this is more important than being beautiful at this point.
And there is only a few things that I find more important than being beautiful.
Well, when I said, nothing really excites me, maybe there is this one thing, still...
And that is learning english!
Which is probably you'd understand my mother language is not english and I'm trying my ass off to speak this right now.
I really work on it because I'd feel embarrassed when i do something wrong you know?:(
High self-esteem rises again.
*
These times, i don't think i need anything but a person to guide me.
I wasted my time on shit.
So I got tired now to do new things.
I always tried.
I really did.
I used to go english and drawing courses, therapists, our cafe, diatetics,doctors etc.
I used to exercise. I lost 20 kgs.
I used to go on walks with my mom.
I was "friends" with my dietican.
So, you can't say that I didn't try anything?
I actually tried to make a difference and find friends.
But none of them succeed, now I'm afraid of trying, because trying without success makes you tired, takes a part of your will of life away. Why'd want that?
Now I'm really scared to try anything because i think it's going to be bad. And I'm so sick of feeling bad and helpless..
*
And there is this one thing that bugs me for years.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
I can't put up with this level of stupidity.
It' mental.
Please let me get rid of that.
God?